Random Ruminations: A Love and Alone with What Dreams May Come

A Contemplation of Love and Loneliness Inspired by What Dreams May Come Starring Robin Williams

A Message to the Reader:

The following content includes my personal thoughts and beliefs about the phenomena of life, our existence, and the infinite nature of consciousness. Some of the ideas shared may be incomplete or only in their infancy of development. Others, I consider truths I've learned about the nature of the self, society, and a God that I am only beginning to know. I encourage you to use your discernment when reading this content. There may be some things you agree with, others you don't understand, and probably more you may reject. My only ask is that you contemplate the concepts that resonate with you and leave the rest behind. I share my thoughts not to persuade anyone to think or see the world as I do. We all have our own unique journeys to travel and perspectives to gain. I just hope that my creative expression helps others feel a little less alone and a little more loved as they wander their path back to the heart of the Creator.

What are "Random Ruminations"?

There are moments that stir strong emotions within me, and I yearn to express them creatively. In the past, including this last year, when I spent weeks or months writing essays or working on my book, I didn't really seek an outlet to accommodate spontaneous inspiration. I was so focused on the subject matter I was writing about at that time that I didn't allocate the mental resources for impromptu creation. Well, that's something that's about to change.

Random Ruminations will be the name of my new collection of posts that will feature whatever's on my mind or weighs heavy on my heart at the moment. Unlike the other contemplations that deal with more complex or dense subject matters that I will continue to dissect and explore, these ruminations will generally focus on seemingly random experiences that spark an emotional response and provide more insight into who I am and the challenges for which I struggle.

I usually take time to show gratitude to the individuals who inspire my posts. It's because of their brilliance and passion that I'm able to muster the motivation to share my perspective with the world. They help me find the courage to express what rages like a tempest inside me. Their thoughts and words collide with my own beliefs to initiate a chain reaction of intrigue, exploration, and revelation that brings me joy and helps fuel my spiritual quest. So, I hope these random ruminations I share with you serve a similar purpose.

The Random Reason for this Rumination

What Dreams May Come is one of my favorite movies of all time. I'd definitely rank it up there in my personal top ten. I will watch it again every few years or so and remember why I love it so much. It has some of the most beautiful and creative visual effects and imagery. In fact, it won an Academy Award for Best Visual Effects in 1999. With that said, I believe the two main reasons I appreciate the movie are that I have always been a fan of the late great Robin Williams, and the movie deals with two of the most fascinating subjects - life after death and the enduring power of love. The latter is one reason why I feel compelled to share this post.

I've been with my wife for eight years now. In fact, our anniversary of the first day we met was February 11th. Our love for each other developed and grew quickly, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else now. During our time together, I have changed dramatically from a spiritual standpoint. I think back to the person I was when we met, and it's startling to think how different I am mentally and emotionally compared to the guy she fell in love with. I still believe I'm the loving, kind, and considerate person I was back then. I also think the core of my identity is recognizable. Where I believe I have changed the most is how I've become more freed from society's influence when it comes to how I should live my life and what values I allow to be impressed upon me. While my minority perspectives and opinions have brought me peace and a healthy sense of self-love and worth, they have also taken their toll on me in one very important way.

This is going to be the toughest essay I have written for two reasons. The first is that it's a highly emotional topic I haven't allowed myself to completely feel or explore because I'm still trying to figure things out from a mental perspective. Before allowing myself to attach a specific emotion to an experience, I want to know if it's worth it. Whether one may feel that is right, wrong, or weird, I try not to exhaust emotional energy until it's warranted. I'm certain this is why I've often been referred to as a robot, cyborg, or some other artificial intelligence devoid of emotion. It's not that I don't have emotions; it's just that I am careful and slow to show them. With that said, I know I will feel and wrestle with many emotions churning inside me before this post is finished.

The second reason this will be so tough is that I am unable to be completely open and forthcoming with all of the details surrounding my relationship with my wife. Obviously, I have an obligation to protect her privacy and respect the fact that she has her own story to tell. So, the unique challenge I have before me is to find a way to openly and honestly express what's gnawing at my soul that involves our relationship without divulging specifics or anything that she may take offense to. It's a perplexing predicament, and I don't know how successful I will be, but I do feel I must make the attempt because I can't stop thinking about it. Not only can I not stop thinking about it, but it is an inescapable reality that I must deal with every single day.

Now that I have sufficiently teased the reason for this post, I guess it's time for me to reveal it. The reason for this rumination is that I'm struggling to understand and halt the widening chasm that's growing between me and the love of my life. My wife and I are not in a healthy place right now. I feel she is so far from me, and I don't know how to get close to her again. And to be honest, I don't know how much longer I have to figure it out before it's too late.

"I Tried Everything. Nothing Worked..."

Since the beginning of our relationship, I have always known there were parts of Michelle's past that she was keeping from me. I'm not mentioning it because I think it's something sinister or anything that would change my positive perception of her. I say it because it feels like a puzzle piece that's been kept from me that would make everything make sense. If I were to have those few bits from her past, I think I would be able to fit every other piece into its appropriate spot and finally see the full picture of who and why she is. While I knew parts of her were being kept from me, I thought that time and my love for her would eventually help her open up. That hasn't been the case. I've gotten some morsels of insight here and there, but I'm still largely in the dark concerning chunks of her past that influence many of her decisions today.

For years, I have told Michelle that it's ok if she doesn't tell me everything because I genuinely meant it. Even right now, I would say the same thing to her because I don't want her to tell me anything that she's uncomfortable sharing. But now, I am afraid that those secrets are contributing to the growing divide between us. So, what do I do? I don't know if that question even has a right or wrong answer. It feels like a situation that doesn't require a tactic or just good advice. It feels more like something inside of me is required to change, or I must be willing to sacrifice a part of myself to be near the love of my life again.

It seems like I've tried everything to get Michelle to open up to me. I've attempted to be more empathetic to help her feel comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings. I've opened up to her about what's going on inside of my head and heart, hoping she'd feel more inclined to do the same. I've shared books with her to help encourage vulnerability and openness, including Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection, which she absolutely loved and appreciated. I've also searched for and recommended therapists that I believed were best suited to help her confront and explore the parts of herself she's kept hidden away and suppressed for years. Yet, despite my efforts, nothing has seemed to work. There were times when things appeared to be getting better between us, only to revert back when some measure of additional stress was introduced into our lives. It truly feels like there's nothing more I can do. But I can't give up. That simply isn't an option.

"Never Give Up."

"We don't give up on anyone in this family." It's a declaration I've made multiple times to Michelle throughout our years together. It's a statement that has applied to our cat whenever he was becoming too much to bear, and the thought crossed my wife's mind to give him up to another family. It was a commitment to the newest addition to the family, our dog named Duke, shortly after we adopted him from the animal shelter and learned of his heartworm condition. But most importantly, it has always been my promise to my wife that no matter what happens, I will always be there for her. I would never abandon her.

A topic of discussion that frequently comes up between my wife and me is how we ended up finding each other and making our relationship work. Usually, at some point in the conversation, I always tell her that we wouldn't be together if anything had been different in our prior lives, and I genuinely believe that. When I reflect on the events that shaped us leading up to our first date, it's undeniable to me that we were meant to find each other and share this life together.

The year before we met, Michelle lost her mother unexpectedly. It was a traumatic event that would leave its mark and change anyone. There's little doubt in my mind that the person she was before her mom's passing would not have been interested in me and definitely wouldn't have agreed to go on a second date. That tragic moment altered her life and planted the seeds of attraction and intrigue for me at the beginning of our relationship. She would be the first to tell you that I was different from those she dated in the past.

Her life of chaos, instability, and loss attracted her to my calm, stable, and supportive nature. Her eventual dissatisfaction and the growing emptiness she felt when dating the guys before me formed an appreciation for the spiritual depth and the alternative perspectives I introduced. Those same qualities she'll lament make us so different are precisely why she was inevitably drawn to me.

Before Michelle, most of my adult life was spent alone. I had only been on a few dates and in just two relationships prior to meeting her. My appreciation for someone by my side grew during the long stretches of solitude I had to endure. So, there's no way I would ever give up or take what we found in each other for granted. You learn to compromise and pick your battles when you understand what's truly important and you're committed to keeping it in your life.

I will never forget the moment that changed the trajectory of our relationship for me. We met on a dating website and started exchanging messages on February 2, 2016. Soon after, we had our first date at a restaurant called Local in Memphis, TN. About a month later, on March 9th, I asked her if she would be my girlfriend, and we became exclusive from that day forward. Things moved so fast with us, but something about her and our relationship felt different. It seemed like it was meant to be, but there was a measure of uneasiness about it all.

It wasn't long before I began to learn more about Michelle, and I witnessed an increasing amount of behavior that worried me. In June of 2016, we attended Italian Fest during Memphis in May that year. Some of her friends had a tent and were participating in the event. It was an excellent opportunity for me to meet them and see her in a different environment. What I didn't know was that it would become a defining moment in our relationship and change how I saw her forever.

Early that evening, things seemed to be going well. Michelle took me around and introduced me to her friends and a few acquaintances. They seemed cool, and it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable around them. Things soon became less enjoyable as the evening continued on, though. I was left alone for long stretches of the evening. Michelle was having the time of her life and wasn't interested in sharing it with me at all. There was even one point when I didn't know where she was. I remember walking all around the event grounds, unable to locate her. So, I decided to take a long walk to do some thinking, and I distinctly remember saying to myself that our relationship was not going to work. At that moment, I started recounting the numerous red flags I ignored or rationalized away because I really liked her.

Over the previous few months, Michelle revealed that she was still living with her ex-boyfriend even though we were dating and had become exclusive. Plus, it was becoming increasingly evident that a lot of emotional baggage had yet to be unpacked and resolved regarding other undisclosed topics. Finally, at Italian Fest, I had gotten confirmation that she had another vice that I simply didn't want to deal with, so by the time we met back up and decided to leave, I was already determined to end our relationship. I just didn't see how we would make it in the long run.

As we walked back to my car, I was visibly annoyed and upset with how the evening transpired. We had gone to this event where I knew no one, and she left me alone to fend for myself most of the time we were there. At that point in the evening, I was angry and just wanted to break up and get her home safely. We started driving home, and I was not in a talkative mood. She must have seen the look on my face and recognized it from her past because her heart sank, and she felt compelled to start speaking to me. I don't remember everything she said verbatim, but I will never forget how she felt at that moment and how it impacted me.

We didn't get five minutes down the road before Michelle looked at me and asked, "You're gonna break up with me, aren't you?" I was taken aback by her question. I don't remember what I did or said in response, but whatever it was seemed to provide the confirmation she didn't want. She began to cry and said, "I know you're going to break up with me... I know that I'm messed up, and I have my issues... This always happens to me..." As she continued speaking, I saw tears streaming down her face, and I heard the voice of someone who had been wounded deeply by the hand life dealt. It was clear to me that life had taken a toll on her, and she just needed someone by her side. She wanted to change but just couldn't do it alone. She continued pleading with me and made a single statement that instantly changed everything. While sobbing uncontrollably, she said to me, "... no one will ever love you as much as I will."

Here's the thing that's most revealing about that moment. Something deep inside of me either knew she was telling the truth or desperately wanted it to be true because I no longer wanted to give up on us, and I no longer wanted to give up on her. Almost instantly, I decided that I would not be just another person in her life who abandoned her when she needed them. I wanted to be there for her no matter what.

For years, I felt like I would never find anyone who would know me, need me, or love me. Mentally, I tried resigning myself to a life alone, but my heart wouldn't stop hoping and believing that someone was out there for me. So, when Michelle made that statement to me, it touched and stirred my soul intensely. Here was someone who needed me and could potentially love me more than anyone ever has or would. How could I possibly walk away? There was no chance I could just throw in the towel at that point. So many nights were spent soaking pillows with tears, just hoping for someone somewhere to share what Michelle did with half her passion and conviction. So no, giving up on her wasn't an option then, and it isn't an option now.

"We don't give up on anyone in this family." No matter how long it takes, I'm going to figure out how to connect with my wife again. I will find a better way to communicate with her and make her feel my love. It breaks my heart that she feels so alone right now. For too long, I tried to indirectly show or tell her what she needed to do to feel better. But maybe, just maybe, that's not what she needs from me at all. Is it possible that she's been telling me what she's been needing this whole time, and I just didn't understand her? If the lessons I've been learning recently are any indication, I believe that's exactly what's happened.

"What's True in Our Minds is True."

Every married couple I know that's been together for more than a few years has had their share of rough patches during the course of their relationship. I believe it's natural to encounter moments that challenge that bond and reveal each individual's commitment to it. It's important for both parties to take a step back to truly analyze and understand each other's needs at that moment compared to when their union began. Both have grown during the relationship, which is inevitable and how it should be. We often forget or may have never understood that there are three lives we must always nourish while bound together in matrimony - our own life, our partner's life, and the life of the connection between us. Let me try to explain.

It's common and understandable for us to focus on our individual happiness, growth, and development within a relationship. We may even support the pursuit of happiness for our partner with the best of intentions. I believe it is a mistake to assume that either party was in the right or wrong when a marriage fails or when vows are broken. More often than not, it results from not knowing what's needed or required to nourish their connection while securing and bolstering their individuality. Keeping a bond and connection alive is much like a dance between the two. There is a desire and need to focus on the self by acquiring experiences that evolve, change, and expand us. But we must find our way back to each other to share those experiences and take time to forge new ones together. That keeps the connection alive, and we must treat it like a living entity, or it will not survive or thrive very long.

When individuals within a marriage start pursuing their own interests and neglect the need to create shared, positive experiences together, it can change each of them to the point where they risk becoming strangers to one another. Attempting to attain personal happiness or cope with life's hardships separately will result in experiences that diverge from one another and make it hard to re-establish a connection. Unknowingly, we often treat the relationship the same and do not account for the fact that both people are different within it. The needs of each and how to effectively communicate love between the two are altered without either having a clue. That's when relationships end, connections are lost, and bonds dissolve. And I believe that's what happened to Michelle and me.

When we moved to northwest Indiana a little over three years ago, it was an exciting time in our lives. I had just gotten a promotion, and we were still relatively fresh to the world of parenthood. We were fortunate enough to find and purchase a home we loved. We also were excited to live near Chicago, which I wanted to do ever since I visited the city almost a decade prior. There were so many positive things to look forward to and be grateful for, but unfortunately, it didn't take long before Michelle and I realized the full weight of the compromises we made to move our family here. The frigid climate, coupled with the absence of support from our friends and family, started to take its toll.

Over the last few years, we found different ways to cope with being apart from our loved ones. I would watch television, play video games, or write to sort through my emotions and channel my energies into something positive and constructive. I also had my job and the people I worked with 45 hours a week to help distract me and stave off any feelings of isolation. Unfortunately, Michelle didn't really have that luxury. During our first year here, she stayed at home to take care of our two-year-old son. It wasn't until our second year in Indiana that she found a great job opportunity that allowed her to work remotely. With that said, working from home and having no commute definitely has its benefits, but one of the perks sacrificed is the chance for more human connection by building relationships with peers. With that element missing from Michelle's everyday life, her feelings of separation and loneliness only grew.

My wife would spend some of her alone time binge-watching television shows, but most of her energies were invested in our son and making sure he was having a positive and memorable childhood. I believe it's the main reason they have such an incredible bond today. As the weeks, months, and years wore on, we both became too comfortable finding new and separate methods of dealing with our situation and failed to dedicate enough time to create positive, healthy memories together. Although we may have lived under the same roof all of this time, we did not do a good job of sharing our lives with one another. As time passed and we settled into separate strategies for coping, we created diverging experiences that formed truths that pushed us apart and made us unfamiliar with one another.

Just like many couples that have been married for an extended period of time, Michelle and I have had our share of arguments over the last eight years. Some of them were pretty bad, but none of them crossed the line to where I believed that she didn't like me as a person. I never felt that she had lost respect for me in the past. But, unfortunately, I can't say that anymore. In the last six to eight months, our arguments have taken on a different tone and tenor. The things that were being said were no longer just to hurt my feelings or simply to get a rise out of me. Statements like, "You disgust me," "I don't respect you," and "I don't like you" started to sound jarringly true and like they were coming from a real place of anger and hurt within her. For a long time, I shrugged them off and told myself that she didn't really mean it. And sure enough, a few days later, she'd tell me how much she loved me, and things would settle back to some semblance of the distant but cordial normal we'd become accustomed to. But one day, a few weeks back, something changed.

We were having another one of our arguments when she made all of those hurtful statements again about being disgusted by me and not respecting me. But this time, it didn't come across as words said out of spite or to make me feel bad. It felt more like an honest confession of how she really felt about me. There was no anger behind it, either. It was coming from someone who was tired of being exhausted and frustrated with trying to get me to understand her and love her the way she needed me to. There was a sense of surrender in her voice that signaled to me a resignation to whatever fate she tried so desperately to avoid. This wasn't just another argument. We were on the precipice of giving up on each other and what we built together. We both had no energy left to devote to banging our heads up against a wall. We'd done everything, including couples therapy, so maybe it was time to cut our losses and admit that we weren't meant to be forever.

The next couple of days, I kept replaying the events of that night, including everything that was said and the look on Michelle's face when she said it. I thought about our relationship and how we overcame so much to remain together as long as we had. I didn't want to give up on us, but I started to think that maybe I was just being stubborn at this point. Maybe I was just holding on to her and us for too long, and I should just transition to an appreciation of what we had and allow her to find happiness with someone else. All of those thoughts, among others, flooded my head for the next few days. But then, a few thoughts of hope passed through my mind. What if only part of Michelle was disgusted by me? What if only part of her disliked me or didn't respect me? What if most of who she is still loved me and wanted to be with me?

For years, our arguments would go in circles and end with both of us being drained of energy with little to show for it. She would tell me I did something that made her feel a certain way and that I didn't love her, and I spent the majority of the argument defending myself and trying to convince her that she was making things up and her perspective was just wrong. But, maybe, I was looking at the whole thing wrong. What if there was no singular, objective truth from which we both obtained a perspective? What if both of us had created our own valid truths? Near the end of What Dreams May Come, Chris (Robin Williams' character) visits his wife at a mental health facility where she was committed following their children's tragic and sudden death. There's one thing he told Annie that's stuck with me. "What's true in our minds is true." What if he was right? And if he was right, how did Michelle arrive at such a truth so different from mine?

Soon after I finished writing A Rational Reason for Reincarnation, everything with Michelle came to a head. As I contemplated on the lessons learned while writing those three essays, it dawned on me why she felt the way she did and why our relationship was on the brink of failure. I asked Michelle to sit down and talk to me because I wanted to clarify some things with her and discuss what was going through my head. Although she was a little reluctant, she agreed, and we sat down for our first conversation since the demoralizing fight we had days prior. I told her that I realized that part of her really didn't like or respect me. I told her that I believed that part of her was indeed disgusted with me, too. I continued explaining to her why it all made sense, though. I told her why I thought she felt the way she did, and that I had a better understanding of why we're so disconnected. I'll attempt to share that explanation with you now.

Before I begin, there are two prerequisite beliefs that must be somewhat understood to comprehend what I'm about to explain. First, as I've stated before in prior essays, I believe that experiences comprise our soul's constitution. They are similar to how atoms are the building blocks of matter or how cells are the building blocks of life. With that in mind, think about this. When we make an observation, we proceed to ascribe it with a positive, negative, or balanced thought, which then elicits a positive, negative, or balanced emotion. That trinity of observation, thought, and emotion is what creates an experience that feels and seems real to us. You could say that every experience's creation is determined by the perspective we choose to take, consciously or subconsciously, about an observation. Let's take that concept a little further and consider that what is real or valid to us is not always dependent on socially developed or widely-accepted "truths." It can be, but it isn't always. When we determine the observed to be positive, negative, or balanced, some level of emotional energy is attached to that observation, and an experience is born real to us despite what others think or say about it. It becomes an experiential truth that many simply refer to as their "truth." That is important because it is how two people can observe the same event yet develop two completely different yet valid truths from it.

Now, the second belief to consider is that love may be defined differently from one person to the next, but there are some common and recognizable ways it manifests and is known, communicated, and appreciated by others. If you're unfamiliar with love languages, you should get familiar with them quickly, especially if you primarily identify with masculine traits. Relationships with those who primarily identify with feminine traits may become frustrating and confusing if you don't understand their language. There are five love languages that I will briefly touch on in this post. They are (1) words of affirmation, (2) physical touch, (3) giving/receiving gifts, (4) giving quality, uninterrupted time, and (5) acts of service. These are the most widely known and recognizable manifestations of love in our world. I will admit that I'd heard of the five love languages before, but I didn't really take them seriously. I didn't think it was necessary to understand them in my relationship. Now, I realize that I couldn't have been more wrong about anything in my life. As it would turn out, my ignorance and failure to understand them is one of the reasons Michelle and I are struggling to connect. That said, my realization of their importance and my commitment to display them may help save our marriage and take us to the next level of devotion to one another.

You see, what I realized was that Michelle was taken away from many of her sources of love and support when we moved to Indiana. She left her aunt, father, stepdad, cousins, and many of her friends behind. That was a huge adjustment for her, and she's been unable to supplement all those losses with anyone else here. She's also been unable to give her love freely to the people she was accustomed to giving it to due to the move. To use a scientific analogy, it was like her circuitry of love (the ability to give and receive it) was substantially diminished, which negatively impacts the energy that flows through us to engage in life and live passionately. Without people we love surrounding us, it can be tough to find purpose and reasons to get out of bed unless we have extraordinary faith in something greater than ourselves to draw the needed love from within. Michelle doesn't have that. So, this increased her dependence on me, our son, and our pets to give her that love and allow her to freely give it back in return. If I were able to do that, it would have helped her maintain the feeling of being loved and connected with me. Unfortunately, I did not realize what was happening to Michelle during that time, so I didn't have a clue how I should have responded to it.

As Michelle and I coped with the reality of being away from our family and friends in different ways, it only accentuated her feelings of being alone and unloved by me. This created an even greater need for shows of love and affection towards her, which I didn't provide. I didn't know that what I'd been doing for all these years wasn't nearly enough anymore. While I told her often how much I loved and cared for her, I now realize she needed me to manifest my love more frequently and in a diversity of ways.

When it came to words of affirmation, she needed me to say more than "I love and care for you." She wanted and needed me to be her biggest fan more than ever. It was my job to help her build confidence so she could discover her own self-worth a little more easily. She needed me to assure her that she was smart and capable enough to successfully complete and ace her graduate school assignments and tests. I should have taken more opportunities to encourage her when she trained for the half-marathon. Sure, I was there to support her race, and I sacrificed often to allow her to train. The question I'm asking myself isn't, did I do things to make her feel loved and supported? All of the behaviors discussed in the five love languages, I did do to a certain degree because I love her. What I'm asking is whether there were chances to do more, and I know the answer is yes.

While I always gave her gifts, with many of them being expensive, I now realize I needed to give her more thoughtful, 'just because' gifts that are less obligatory or attached to a holiday or anniversary. Yes, I would get her candy and flowers and treat her to dinner on Valentine's Day or our other anniversaries. I would even get her pretty much every gift on her wish list for Christmas. But how often did I get her a random April 2nd present simply because I was thinking about her and knew she'd appreciate the gift because of an off-the-cuff comment she probably had no clue I was paying attention to? Those are the gifts people love to receive because they're not expected, and there is no obligation. They show that someone cares and is thinking about them and knows them enough to gift them something they want or need.

I know I gave Michelle countless minutes, days, weeks, months, and years of my time, but did I make sure she got the uninterrupted, quality time when she needed it most? Did I read the signs when she was at her loneliest and drop everything to ensure she knew I was there if she needed me? Yes, I can honestly say that I tried to be there when she needed me most. But no, I can't say that I was there when she needed me most because I missed so many glaring signs that she required more from me. When she would pick fights or be upset with me, I felt keeping my distance, allowing her to cool down, and trying to preserve the peace was the best course of action. Unfortunately, that distance I created and my attempts to keep the peace may have only made her feel more alone and isolated when she needed me the most.

I know I do my share of chores around the house, and I often try to help lighten Michelle's workload so she doesn't get stressed. But could I have done more without asking or it being planned out? There were many times that I left the kitchen or bedroom a wreck because I felt she made the mess and needed to clean it up to learn a lesson. I don't think that there's anything necessarily wrong with that. My mother always taught me to clean up what I mess up. It is a lesson that I staunchly observe no matter where I go, and I make sure to cultivate that culture at work, too. But a relationship isn't about being right or wrong or teaching lessons all the time; it's about love. If I had cleaned up the bedroom or kitchen a few more times after she messed it up, she would have seen it as an act of service and a manifestation of my love and care for her. Once again, there is a balance that has to always be striven for, but given where Michelle was, I could have done more.

Last but definitely not least, there's the love language of physical touch. Now, I'm the type of guy who enjoys being intimate with my partner, as do most men, but I will admit that there was little to no romance involved after we got married. Honestly, there was little before we got married, too. It was always about the actual act of having sex and little to no regard for the lead-up or foreplay prior. Now, I realize that it's not only about physically touching her, but it's also about communicating how much I want to touch her. It's about building the anticipation and making her feel desired, sexy, and beautiful. While the love language may be referred to as physical touch, it's more about conveying a passion for her that culminates with the touch.

All these things I realized I needed to do more to communicate my love to Michelle. And because I didn't do them as often as she needed me to, she started perceiving my lack of affectionate action as me not loving her. Every time I didn't provide words of affirmation when needed, it gradually affirmed her growing fear that I didn't truly love her. What I didn't realize before was that every time I said I loved her, it was canceled out by every instance I didn't give her my uninterrupted time and attention. I thought I was just speaking one language to Michelle, not realizing she translated five from every action and inaction. Every time I gave her gifts or went out of my way to make sure she enjoyed time spent together, it was negated when I didn't jump in and commit an act of service when she really wanted me to do it. All this time, I thought my actions in the affirmative were consistently communicating how much I loved and adored her. I had no clue that I was sending contradictory signals that eventually outweighed all of the positive, loving investments I thought I had made over the years - including many she may never understand or appreciate.

Every time Michelle didn't receive the manifested language of love she needed, she began attributing negative thoughts to those moments and imbued them with pain, anguish, and other strong negative emotions. Over the course of the months and years we've spent here in Indiana, those experiences have grown in number to the point where they appear to dwarf all of the positive ones created during the first five years of our relationship. Those negative experiences are also fresh creations, so they have even more influence and sway on the overall impression that Michelle has of me, which isn't good right now.

For so long, I didn't understand how or why she felt such frustration or anger towards me. I didn't get what seemed like random or incoherent complaints that I sometimes dismissed as nagging because they appeared to ignore logic and indisputable facts. But now, I get it. All this time, we were speaking totally different languages to one another, which caused misunderstandings, confusion, and a disconnect. There was far more being interpreted by her than I ever had a clue was being said by me. And while I've been writing this rumination, I just realized one more critically important fact that cannot go unsaid. I am far more culpable for the state of our marriage than I ever realized, and it's not only because of my ignorance concerning the love languages. It's because I now see that I left Michelle alone years ago. It's possible that most of our problems began when we welcomed our greatest joy into the world.

"That's When I Realized I'm Part of the Problem. . . Sorry, I Left You Alone."

After Michelle gave birth to our son, I took about four months off work to help establish our family's new normal and begin learning how to be a father. I don't care what anyone says; those first few months after having your first child are brutal and a serious wake-up call to any first-time parent. Your entire world changes, and you start missing things you never knew you took for granted, like sleep, regularly scheduled meals, and alone time.

Michelle and I tried what seemed like everything to find a routine that worked for us and allowed her to get sufficient rest to pump milk and take care of Alexander for a good portion of the day. There was one stretch for a couple of weeks where I stayed up throughout the night to feed and take care of him while Michelle got a full seven to eight hours of sleep. It wasn't ideal, but it worked for us because when Michelle felt rested, life always seemed to go a little smoother, and there was peace between us.

While I was on leave and unemployed between jobs, I had an opportunity to watch television or read books whenever I fed Alex or was rocking him to sleep. During that time, I began binge-watching a show called Wisdom Teachings on the Gaia app, which is where I was first introduced to the Law of One series of books. The show had me absolutely captivated, so I streamed almost every episode in the months following Alex's birth. On top of that, I read numerous books that sparked intrigue and curiosity that kept me burrowing down the rabbit hole of esoteric knowledge.

A lot of my time off was used to contemplate and digest all of the information I was consuming, and that irrevocably changed me. Much of my spiritual growth and how I viewed the world underwent a drastic transformation. I will always remember that time fondly because of the revelations of truth I experienced and the profound deepening of my faith that occurred. Unfortunately, that critical and influential time in my life may have been the beginning of the disconnect responsible for the difficulties my wife and I face today.

You see, I was always a little eccentric. However, I did have the ability to tap into a charming and outgoing personality that others felt comfortable around. It helped me make friends and connect with Michelle when we first started dating. Michelle and I both loved going to the movies and having our friends over to play games or just hang out. We had similar tastes in music, too, so we loved listening to different artists and attending concerts around the area. In fact, I took Michelle to a Fall Out Boy concert on one of our first few dates. It's funny thinking about that now because alternative rock is not a favorite of hers, but she had fun that day because it was something new and different she got to share with me.

Michelle and I also loved to travel and seek out new experiences. I took her to Chicago, Las Vegas, and Florida during the first three years we were together. We even traveled to Italy and spent eight days exploring the countryside for our honeymoon. It was and will always be one of the best memories I will have in this life. I waited to go for years because I only wanted to experience it with someone I loved. Those trips traveling the U.S. and abroad brought us together.

During that phase of our relationship, we shared hopes to one day be married and have beautiful, healthy children. We were both driven to succeed in our careers, and we had aspirations to make growing, positive impacts in the world. Michelle and I also shared some of the same fears, too. We were afraid of living a life alone and not finding someone that made every day worth living. We also feared not achieving something meaningful during the course of our lives. Ultimately, we just didn't want to feel insignificant.

Sharing the same hopes and fears binds two people together. It helps them walk paths that are going in the same direction. Traveling similar paths allows for both to gather experiences that strengthen their bond. It is easier to connect with one another because there isn't a gulf that separates the experiences between the two. And that's what started to happen to Michelle and me. As I learned and awakened to more spiritual lessons, they changed me and altered my hopes and fears. More and more of my desires revolved around continuing my spiritual growth. My expanded faith and trust in the Creator meant that I didn't worry about the same things Michelle did and I processed situations and scenarios differently than her. When she would get excited about certain things, I didn't share the same enthusiasm level because it just didn't mean as much to me. When Michelle was scared or worried about other things, I didn't share her concerns or fears because I just knew that everything would be ok due to my faith in God.

On the face of examples like those, I just chalked them up to Michelle and I being different people who saw things differently. I knew her rationale for most things and understood why she couldn't understand mine. I realized that my belief system was completely foreign to her, making it impossible to grasp how I arrived at certain opinions or perspectives about matters. With that said, I didn't see or realize that my thinking dramatically differently about things made her feel alone in her thoughts. It made her feel like I wasn't there with her. The reasons and rationales didn't matter because the most important thing that cuts through all of that is the fact that she felt alone.

She felt alone those times I didn't share her excitement or enthusiasm. She felt alone when I didn't feel her worries or fears. I always tried to reach out to pull her over to my perspective. Yes, I tried everything, and nothing worked when it came to convincing her, persuading her, reasoning with her, educating her, and rationalizing with her to see things my way and join me in my truth. But I was being negligent and too self-absorbed to the point where I never understood that she didn't need me to reach out and pull her closer to me. She needed me to walk from my perspective to join hers more often. When she couldn't join me, I should have made more of an effort to be with her. I could have done more to make her feel less alone. I had no clue what I was doing to her.

"...Until You Tried Joining Me."

Spoiler Alert: In the movie What Dreams May Come, Anabella Sciorra's character, Annie, commits suicide after her husband, Chris, is struck and killed by a car while trying to save someone's life. Because she took her own life while her mind was wracked with guilt, Annie's soul went to a version of Hell instead of joining her husband in Heaven. The last half of the movie follows Chris' journey to find and rescue Annie from her tormentuous fate. When he finally reaches her, his good friend explains to him that his efforts to save her would not be successful and that he would have to be satisfied knowing that he had tried everything to save her before inevitably having to let go. While Chris appreciated his friend's cautionary advice, he wasn't ready or willing to accept that what he said was true.

Chris proceeds to walk into a nightmarish version of his and Annie's house and sees her sitting on the floor. He began speaking to her and made multiple attempts to ease her mind, get her to remember their life together, and recognize he was her husband. Unfortunately, her mind was too distorted with grief and guilt that she couldn't see him for who he was. She had convinced herself that she wasn't worthy of love and could not have it. The situation looked bleak, and it appeared that Chris' friend had told him the truth. He soon realized that he couldn't save her. So, Chris decided that if he couldn't rescue Annie from her fate, then he would just have to join her because he was not going to leave her alone again. He then knelt by Annie's side and thanked her for being "so wonderful that a guy would choose Hell over Heaven just to hang around [her]." A few moments passed, and he started to lose his mind and join Annie in her reality so that she'd never be alone again.

Annie's face and demeanor soon changed as she recognized and embraced her beloved "Christy." She frantically tried to bring him back before his mind was completely gone, but it appeared that her efforts would not be enough. The scene faded to black, and then something amazingly beautiful and poetic unfolded. Chris' memories of Annie flashed on the screen as he dreamt he was swimming in a body of water.  As he emerged, he woke up confused to learn he’d returned to Heaven.  Believing he had left Annie alone again, anguish began to overtake him.  As the camera tightly focused on Chris’ distraught expression, a figure dressed in a most brilliant blue appeared in the background and uttered, “Hey.”  Chris recognized the voice and turned around to see his love, Annie, approach him.  While he was immediately relieved and filled with exceeding joy to see her, he didn’t understand how she got there.  That’s when they shared an exchange that illuminates all intellectual concepts of love.  Chris said, “Where you were… I tried everything.  Nothing worked.”  Annie then replied, “Until… you tried joining me.”

It's been almost a month since I started writing this post. Over the last four weeks, things have slowly but surely improved between Michelle and me. In fact, today we had one of the most honest and enlightening discussions that helped her connect some of the dots that remained a mystery in our relationship for far too long. I told her that I've always loved her and tried to show her that love in many different ways, but she didn't see or understand my actions as being a communication of love. I used an example of two people speaking different languages. I can profess my love all day long to someone, but if I don't speak their language, I'm not communicating with them and they won't know I love them. That's what was happening to us. We both were trying to communicate love in our native tongues and became frustrated and hurt because the other didn't seem to understand or appreciate it.

I also apologized to Michelle for how often I made her feel alone. I explained to her how I now realize that every time I didn't share her joys or fears that I made her feel that way. I told her that those feelings of being alone made her feel she needs to do a million things to earn or obtain love and a sense of worth from herself and others. As the words were leaving my mouth, she started to tear up and cry. She told me that my admission made her feel validated and seen. It made everything she was feeling make sense. And in that moment, I felt as if the wall that separated us had just crumbled at our feet. We shared a long loving embrace and I genuinely felt a connection with her that I hadn't felt in a long time, if ever. Today felt like the start of the next promising chapter in the story of our love and life together. For the first time in a long time, I am energized and confident that we can overcome any of the obstacles and challenges that may stand in the way of the goals and aspirations we share for our family. As long as we tackle them together, we will be just fine.

I don't know how much longer Annie and Chris stayed committed to each other after the end credits. I'd like to think forever because I want Michelle to always be by my side - in this life and those to come. When all is said and done, each of us have the same fundamental needs and motivations in this life. We all just want to give and receive love, and we don't want to feel alone in this world. That's it. That's all we want. Everything we do, no matter how complex or confusing it seems, is just a manifestation of us trying to fulfill those basic needs.

Personally, I've got a lot of work to do when it comes to truly connecting with others to ease their feelings of separation and loneliness. I have to do a better job of investing energy into meeting people where they are emotionally and genuinely empathizing with their joys and pains. This whole situation with my wife has taught and reminded me of one of the most valuable lessons of love. It also provided a blueprint of how I can impact more lives positively moving forward. I don't know what the future holds, but I am so thankful to have a soulmate to enjoy and endure the crucible of life's curriculum together. I couldn't have created so many amazing experiences or uncovered such a beautiful truth without her.

Take care of yourself, and know that you're never alone and always loved.

To my Son, Alexander:

"Sometimes, we all experience the deep feeling of loneliness. We may even feel unworthy of love too. But the most beautiful truths I've come to know are that none of us will ever be alone, and it is our birthright as children of the Creator to claim worth and love for ourselves. Take joy and find purpose in sharing both with those who feel less fortunate."

Join the Discussion:

https://www.thewanderfulworld.com/join-the-discussion/general-discussion/random-ruminations-a-love-and-alone-with-what-dreams-may-come-discussion

Recommended Movie:

• What Dreams May Come, starring Robin Williams, Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Anabella Sciorra